Two days ago...
haha..
I was deleting. Did you know that? But I couldn't... well I could, I was, but I was interrupted. You see old isn't there, but new is. Yet thanks to new old still remains. Isn't that just ironic? haha, It's damn ironic.
And for the new to become new, old have to be old, and deleted. Yet thanks to new old isn't deleted, it's actually newer than it was before. Isn't that just ironic? It's damn ironic.
And new wasn't new either, it was also old, yet old was older. So new, which wasn't new, was being deleted too. Yet thanks to new, new is new and old is old. Isn't that just ironic? It's damn ironic.
And because new decided to be new, it prevented the deleting of old, and by that new can't be new. Yet old can't be new either, so it exists no new. Actually it's only old and older... and they are getting older and older, yet old's decicion of being new made old newer and older newer too.
So new is old, yet getting older and newer... and old, is older and getting older, but newer. Isn't that just ironic?
It's damn ironic.
I'm starting to think that irony is the world's true face.
Yet this is too new and too old for you to understand anyway, so I'll just quit it.
...
Almost.
I know I shouldn't....
You never answer anyway... You've never answered me.
I can't help thinking of you in all this, and that I can't understand. Is this some sort of delay? a diversion?
Maybe all of that was the same as all of this. I'm desperate to have a goal, and I can't find anything else. Without these goals, I'm nothing. My world collaps.
I can't find goals in distant future..... not in the same way... I can't find real goal, that matters... of abstract things.
And I don't find them in material things either....
I find them in people... which gives me abstract feelings. I've found the middleway. Is it the peoble I want? or the feelings? I don't know... well...
Yes, I do know.
I just can't get "me" to understand. Because "I" doesn't think that way.
I've beaten jealousy a long time ago. I have. And greed.
But that doesn't mean I don't miss.. or I don't feel. Even if it's confusing.
It's not the "it" I'm after. It's the thought of "it".
And that is revolutioning...
later... I've found this....
and this quote is one of the best I've ever encountered. it's like it was taken directly from my head:
"Fantasies have to be unrealistic, because the moment, the second, that you get what you desire, you don't, you can't want it anymore. In order to continue to exist, desire must have it's objects perpetually absent. It's not the 'it' that you want, it's the fantasy of 'it'. So desire supports crazy fantasies. This is what Pascal means when he says we are only truly happy when daydreaming about future happiness, or why we say the hunt is sweeter than the kill, or be careful what you wish for, not because you get it, but because you're doomed not to want it once you do. So the lesson of Lucas is, living by wants will never make you happy. What it means to be fully human is to strive to live by ideals and ideals and not to measure your life by what you've attained in terms of your desires, but those small moments of integrity, compassion, rationality, even self-sacrifice. ...Because in the end, the only way that we can measure the signifigance of our own lives is by valuing the lives of others."
It's just brilliant.
Tired of being tired.
Why am I always this tired?
I want to enjoy stuff...
Just let me enjoy...
But no, I'm in this evil circle.
I can't even feel anymore...
Stop!
Did you know that?
You don't, do you?
I can't feel for anyone... anyone! I want to.. god I want to...
These month have been just as hard as they've been last year.
People who really knew me back then... also knew that at this time last year I was in a similar pattern...
and when I think back.. the people I was hanging out with then... is not the same people I'm with now. My life has totally change... and not to the better...
Not that I don't like the people I'm with... I really do...
But...I can't... I just can't be with anyone without having these feelings...
To get away.. I just want to get away.
Bryr jag mig?
Ärligt talat har jag ingen aning längre...Ingenting är som det var hos mig... inga känslor är de samma, inga människor fyller samma position.
Jag flyr från dem som faktiskt bryr sig...
Jag flyr från alla...
egentligen.
För att det är det enda jag kan göra...
För jag kan inte släppa in någon
Jag trodde det,
men jag kan inte.
Och visst kan jag sitta och skriva här..eller någon annanstans, jag kan sitta och slå fingrarna av mig bara för att avreagera... Jag visar känslor på det sättet.
Men ingen som är uppmärksam missar att allt handlar om samma sak.
Just att jag kan inte låta någon komma nära, blandat med alla känslor kring människor som en del av mig vill ha nära.
...
Jag läste en fråga... "Har du ljugit för någon som du tycker om?" och i mitt huvud konstruerade jag snabbt svaret...
"Ja och Nej.. som jag alltid gör: Tänjer på sanningen."
Oh.. cutiiie.
So it can be, in a way, mostly irrelevant. Yet also higly relevant... it's a point of view.
This is unique for me...with just a glimpse... a introduction...unique...
But damn...
I just have to say what I think...
I have to say she's cute.
... ahh..
ohh... just go to hell...
I really don't know what more to write...
just...
just...
go to hell.
Who speaks?
Who speaks about what matters?
Who speaks about life?
speaks about the sea?
about the air?
the earth?
We're many... who talks. Many who wonders.
But no one speaks.
Not truly.
I won't lie..
There are many things, which I would rather ignore...
Things I can't seem to through away.
These things are stuck in me. That's a problem. And when most is down... When you have no place to go...
I think about these things which I would rather ignore.
... when you're desperate for some warmth...
You can be as lucky as I..
warmth comes from where you never thought them to come from. Thank you.
Borders
and to understand,
To taste, to smell
and to hold one's hand.
To need and give.
To feel and live.
Who speaks of treasures?
Who speaks of death?
Who needs such lectures,
when life is just ahead?
To live over borders,
borders of life and death.
when you don't follow orders,
just live over again.
Sing your own song,
because maybe they're just wrong.
There is no portal.
...
You are immortal.
*******
EVA-LENA WALDO
*********************
*******
- The Rambler 2008-01-18 The Day of the Rose -
歩行者
I don't know...
What am I supposed to do then? Sit here!?
NO, you know what...
I can't...
I just can't.
I've more than one on my shoulder right now...
Why do I care if I can't lift more up?
Just because I do care...
I don't want to.
When you feel for feeling...
F**CK.
I've messed up everything...
So here I am, seeing and knowing that just there was the spot I was in. Right there. Behind,but I know I was. I'm probably the only who thinks so, when seeing that...
And here I am... just missing people, I don't want to miss.
Feeling for another I don't want to feel for,
yet longing to feel for one...
who my mind sometimes seem to have forgotten.
And don't want to feel... because it will not do me any good.
I know where I end up... in pain.
I don't know if I ever been this complicated.
Communication...
Ha.
Sure...communication.
An answer that gave me warmth... that gave me happiness.
Same thing have later given me comfort as things changed.
And now it only gives me the feeling of dispear.
Am I who? Who's who? And who am I?
Know you know.
(wish I could)
Just Don't
When all is down,
and there's nothing to gain,
nothing you can know,
only feelings to be slain.
Don't give in to disaster,
Don't let everything down.
Don't let it master,
Don't, 'cause nothing is known.
Instead let it lighten,
give yourself some hope,
not in form of desire,
just pull another rope.
Don't try to understand all,
'cause it won't be made.
Don't let you fall,
'cause there is some aid.
Look up to the sky,
and count the stars,
you understand, it is no lie,
you didn't caught mars.
And maybe I didn't caught venus,
what do I know?
And what does all make us?
Why would I know?
Don't, just don't.
Don't let you fall.
Don't, just don't,
Don't understand all.
Just see, and you will be seen.
- The Rambler 2008-01-08 歩行者
Ignorance is bliss.
I do understand.
Yet I am stupid, trying to ignore. But there is nothing else to do...
Have you ever seen something you always understood, something that hurts... in every bone in your body, something that turns your inside out. Something you know is real, but never seen?
Have you found yourself talking out loud, saying these exact words: "I don't like that..." ?
Then found something you know you've been trying to hide in yourself, the moment after you've understood and heard what you'd said?
I did.
And I've came to one conclusion.
Ignorance is bliss.
... And I do see I'm invited, time after time...
Yet I do ignore.
Why is that?
Reverie of Fire.
And there he stood. The moonlight flashed his eyes. He'd never seen the moon glow that much before, never seen a light pierce a dark place as this light right now did before his eyes. It was beautiful, yet frightening. Suddenly he knew what to do. It came to him as thunder striking down. He looked at his hand, and then he did it. What he'd always known how, but never done. Or had he?
From his pawn a flaming light was sipping out, hovering, taking the form as a sphere. Shimmering, brighful light toke its place in his hand. A globe, an orb, a ball... of fire. Fire.
He looked at it and didn't feel surprised, not amazed, not shocked. He could only feel the flaming sphere in his hand. There wasn't anything else. The world toke the form of a bright globe of fire. He had the power of life in his hand, the power of death, the power of warmth and the power of destruction. He controlled it, every little piece, every little component. It could take it's form of anything and he played with it, threw it in the air and catched it without beeing burned, made it hover over the trees, flying around, circulating around his body, up and down, left and right. He did everything, everything he could figure out. He made it smaller, made it bigger. He made it flow, flying past all the trees, as a brightful bird it flew, lighted the dark djungle.
Suddenly it flew up straight up in the sky until you couldn't see it anymore, and he made it shatter. Small, small components of fire was swirling, slowly with the wind until everything was covered with them. He made them glow, yet not burn. There it was, a djungle, that had been in total darkness, in total light. And in a second, all pieces had formed the bright sphere in his hand again. He hold it, made it hover over his palm. With a single movement with his fingers, it was gone. No smoke, no smell did it leave. All it had left behind was the lack of its warmth.
And with that movement, with that moment, he woke up, knowing that it was real.
To be real.
The question is stunning.
Because we can't know, can we? We can only choose to know. What's the purpose of life? We can't know, can we? We can only choose to know.
I believe we exist. And I do believe we exist in one purpose. Happiness.
I believe that's the only logical reason. Does happiness exist? We can't know, can we? I choose to know. I know.
It does, else my existance would be without purpose.
And I do sure love this movie:
"Why, Mr. Anderson? Why, why, why? Why do you do it? Why? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? Something more than you're survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom or truth? Perhaps peace? Could it be for love? Illusions Mr. Anderson, vagaries of perception. Temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect, trying desperatly to justify an existance that is without meaning or purpose! All of them is as artificial as the Matrix itself, altough only a human mind could invent something as insipid as love, You must see be abl to see it, Mr. Anderson. You must know it by know. You can't win. It's pointless to keep fighting. Why, Mr. Anderson, Why? Why do you persist!?"
"...Because I choose to."
