I wonder.
To be lying in lies.
You do not know the pain you give me.
You do not know.
You do not know the thoughts I have about you,
'cause they're not like I say they are.
You live a life of lies,
as do we all.
You want me to always be yours, deeply, it seems.
yet you do not want me to be with you as deep.
Until you do, I cannot be yours.
Until you do, I will not be yours.
and because of that, I do not have the heart for loving you.
I will not continue doing so, yet do not know how to stop.
It consumes me.
And I hate myself for it.
Been there, done that.
I think I see what's going on here... I hope I'm mistaken. I'll give you an advice mate.
...
Don't.
It won't do you any good. It won't do anyone any good. Just don't.
How do you think...
You're as ignorant, as arrogant, as the place you come from. And I can't help but like you, because that's just who I am.
Take it and release it.
For what?..
Because the feeling of belonging does only exist with you... not always, but only there.
So I keep crying out... I will... And not the way you cry out for me. I guess something of me is beyond your understanding, because the only way to understand it, is to be me, which I am the only one capable.
I say this to you: If you want something, let it free. If it returns to you, it's yours, but if it doesn't, it wasn't yours to begin with.
Black, White and Everything Between
Black, White and Everything Between
Westman Grey went the whole way down,
to town you know, just rambling around.
In a simple world, yet a complicated site,
that's how it is in the world of black and white.
Just this morning something changed,
a spot of pink made his walk delayed.
"What is this?" the man loudly said,
never seen a colour of red.
Handkerchief was the solution's name,
white as snow, and the man began his aim.
Successful, as you surely understand,
Mr Grey was pleased to have cleaned the land.
But a spot of pink doesn't just disappear,
changed location to Westman's fear.
Because in time the handerchief is put to use,
and staying in pockets, pink spots refuse.
And so it was, with a little sneeze,
the pink spot continues to tease.
The man stuck in an uncoloured maze,
now got a pink spot in his face.
And this is how the story ends,
you know, just as a story tends,
a man, who nowadays only sees pink,
but what difference does that make do you think?
- The Rambler 2008-07-09 -
歩行者
I just don't understand...
People seem to choose to be false.
It's all false and confusing. You create a world where you can't tell the diffrence... where some words are meningless. Why?
You give strangers words, which I barely can say to my most beloved.
Actually I can't...
Huja!:O
haha, now what? This is doomed.. it has to be. Or? Is it real?
Maybe it is.
Maybe it is...
:)
And that's actually not what's going on in my mind right now.
I'm going again :)
Pain.
That's all it is.
You give me nothing but pain. Nothing.
I don't even like you anymore.. everything has transformed into pain, pain, pain and pain.
You're face has even become the symbol for it.
Like I care.
I hate this place.
Wrong.
Anata wa chigau desu.
Anata wa chigau desu.
Iie...
Go to hell...
Like I want to be with you anyway...
You think you can just wait and see all the time.. think that I'm not as confused as you.. I'm always confused..
Just go...
Aha!
... And yes, I've had one of those days today. ..
Don't judge me, I need them.
What do you think?
That I've given you these signals without meaning them?
That I've tried so many times to make things work as they are, yet just can't? (not from my point of view anyway...)
And that I would tell you now that I have dreams about you, without having them?
What do you think?
I tell you this.. what makes me most confused, is confusion itself.
The Man Behind the Curtains
Seen it have you?
Great.
Actually, I'm here to discuss another thing. Something that keeps popping up in my mind; a question, formed into one small word.
Why?
It can't be answered, can't be shared or discussed. Not really. It can only be thought, only be said. It can never become something else. It is destined to be unanswered.
Why?
To look backwards can be hurtful; to look forwards can be frightening. You can see it, read it, in Experience. Don't you ever wonder, like you did wonder? Don't you ever want to know, like you wanted to know? Don't you ever search, like you searched? Don't you ever feel trapped in that cage of indefinition, like you felt? Don't you want to know what lies behind the curtains, like you did? Don't you ever wonder? Apparently, time has turned your mind.
Why?
Maybe it isn't so hard to understand. Yet understanding a thing isn't the same as figuring it out. There is a difference, a big difference. When you've figured something out, you've solved the equation, of course one among many. But understanding exists in grades, maybe you only understand what the equation is for, understand what it does, understand how it works or understand how to solve it...
(oh almost forgot. You were wrong; I was actually referring to myself.)
...Yet this doesn't make you solve it, and you could be able to solve it without having a full graded understanding or even one at all. It isn't before you have a full graded understanding and a solution, having the equation solved, you can use to the highest level. Yet we don't, do we?
Why?
That brings us to this question again. Everything always does. but I actually think I've figured something out about myself and those abstract matters. Or not to contradict myself, I've understood something about it. Let's actually get to the heart of all this. You see it fits. It is pattern, visible pattern, maybe a coincidence, yet it fits.
I liked her, in a pure curiosity, not in her, but in "it". What is "it"? Then why does she fit in the pattern? Simple. She was a travelling soul, searching soul, maybe for "it", but most certainly for something else than a black box, a cage of loneliness. It's is strange how I never seem to talk about her, when she made such a difference in my way of thinking, way of being. I cared about her, I felt for her.
I didn't feel for her though. She was shy, beautiful, extremely clever and cute... yet I didn't feel for her, not in that way. Someone should remember me talking about her. More than a year ago, valentines day if I'm not mistaken. She wasn't trapped in a black box, not searching a way out, just a new event in a normal life. A happy soul.
I did feel for her, or should I say "you". Depends, really do depends. I choose to say her. She was always searching, searching... I guess she found a way, which she once believed was the solution. And I guess "me" was just a desperate attempt in between, when she lost her faith. Yet she found it again. Something says to me that she once again lost it, or maybe found her way through losing it? I don't know. Am I in between? Will I be? Probably not. I do know this: I cared for her, I felt for her.
And I do feel for you, you and your silly ways. You've seemed to be trapped in the black cage. You've seemed to be a wanderer in the dark. I care for you, I feel for you.
---
And what is the pattern? It is also simple. I guess I've always thought, that the only way to find a way out from the prison of solitude, is to find someone wandering inside. I guess that is how I saw them... how I see you. Someone wandering inside.
Am I right? You tell me...
One thing is sure... I don't seem to realize the difference between caring and loving... Maybe it is I, who is searching from something that doesn't exist, an illusion.
Why?
- Why "why"? Why not "who"?
- "Who"? Why?
- "Who" would be more precise than "why".
- Precise? Then "what" would maybe be more fitting than "why".
- What? "What"? Why "what"?
- Why not?
- Because like I said is "who" more precise.
- Why have you thought so much about it? Because you have, haven't you?
- Yeah.. Why?
- Well.. nothing. I just think "why" is correct.
- What? who? you? Do you think "why"? I think "who".
- Then who is "who"?
- I don't know. If I knew it wouldn't be a "why", would it?
- Aha! So it is a "why"?
- ... ...You got me there... maybe it is a "why"
- Yeah probably...
but...
...
Why?
Equations..
result 1: ~ 62.6m
result 2: ~ 80.6 m
s of square: y
6x + 4y = 160
4y = 160 - 6x
y = 40 - 1.5x
h of triangle:
h² + x² = (2x)²
h² = 3x²
h = (3^0.5)*x
A of triangle:
A = (2x*(3^0.5)*x)/2
A = x²3^0.5
Sum of A of triangle and square:
triA + squA = (40 - 1.5x)² + x²(3^0.5)
triA + squA = (1600 - 120x + x²) + x²(3^0.5)
triA + squA = (3^0.5)2x² - 120x + 1600
Let's say sumA
Differentiation of sumA:
sumA´ = 4(3^0.5)x - 120
sumA´ = 0 if
4(3^0.5)x - 120 = 0
4(3^0.5)x = 120
(3^0.5)x = 30
x = 30/(3^0.5)
x = 17.320508075...
sumA has its minimum when x = 17.320508075...
3s of triangle (that'll say 6x) when sumA has its minimum:
3s = 6*17.3205058075...
3s = 103.92304845...
Answer:
The sum of the three equal sides of the triangle, when the sum of the areas of the square and the triangle is at its minimum (if the sum of the side of both the objects is 160), is almost 104 m
...
Correct answer:
ca 90 m
...
...
...
...
...*fainted*..
...equations... equations.. equations...
Yeah, equations... it's all I have right now.. fu-*cking equations.
What is this? Something's changed. There has be to a new value, a new variable... a new value of a variable. When you think you've got them all at place, something suddenly happens. This is not the result it should be. This is not how I'm supposed to feel. Not now.
Everything is like that damn equation above... a diffrent outcome every time, yet the wrong one.
Is this what I think it is? no...
no...
no?
And oh yeah, you always have to look between the bloody, freezing lines. Find that x, hiding in, behind, below and through differentiations, formulas and God knows what.
(And oh.. the formula for God is lim.h->eternity ((f(x+h)) - (f(x))/((x+h) + x))^(lim.W->eternity ((f(W+h)) - (f(W))/((W+h) + W)), where W = the universe and f(x) = the purpose of all.
You don't get it do you? And no, I'm not clever, I'm insane.
Yet, you do not even get what you don't get. I don't.
Don't ask.
